JAY What? It's suddenly a crime to fart, motherfucker?! EXT. COP Let's take a ride down to the station. The Cop grabs them both, leading them toward the car. JAY Just spread my cheeks a little and you can see the fucking stink nuggets- COP Pull up your pants up sir, Now! Jay bends down to pull up his pants and FARTS. Jay drops his pants and leans against the wall, looking back over his shoulder. (unbuttoning pants) You don't believe me? Lemme show you. I stick these little pieces of paper over my brown-eye, and bam-no shit stains in my undies. COP No pot, hunh? What do you need this for? JAY What? I got a wiping problem. Jay and Bob move to follow, but the Cop stops them, grabbing the rolling papers out of Jay's hand. (getting in Jay's face) And The Time sucks ass! Teen 1 races off. TEEN 1 Here're the rolling papers you wanted for your pot. Teen 1 enters and hands Jay rolling papers. JAY What the Fuck, Serpico? What'd we do? COP We got a report that two guys were hanging around outside the stores, selling pot? JAY We don't smoke pot, yo. QUICK STOP-DAY Jay and Silent Bob are thrown against the wall outside by a COP, who frisks them. RANDAL (into phone) Yeah, I want to report a couple of drug dealers out in front of the Quick Stop. I shoulda done a long time ago TEEN 2 In a galaxy far, far away! TEEN 1 (exiting) May the Foreskin be with you. RANDAL (heading for the phone) That does it. Not in the eyes of the state or any real church, Skywalker. DANTE Would you shut up?! TEEN 1 (to TEEN 2) Holy shit, dude. DANTE I'm the bitch?! RANDAL Well if we were gay, that's how I'd see it. And he said you're the bitch and you're the butch. RANDAL What the hell are you talking about? TEEN 1 Jay said you had a Star-Wars-themed wedding and you guys tied the knot dressed like storm troopers. (beat) Yo-how was the service? RANDAL What service? TEEN 2 The one at the Unitarian church where you two got married to each other last week. RANDAL See, man-if you were funnier than that, ABC never would've canceled us. DANTE Neither should you, but we let you stay. RANDAL What, am I producing an A&E Biography about 'em? I'm just saying they shouldn't be loitering around the stores like they do. DANTE I thought the fat one didn't really talk much. RANDAL Hey, can't we do something about those two stoners hanging around outside all the time? DANTE Why? What'd they do now? RANDAL I'm trying to watch Clash of the Titans, and all I can hear is the two them screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs. Randal grabs it, takes a bite, and starts reading a newspaper. Dante rings up a customer, a half-eaten submarine sandwich sitting on the counter. QUICK STOP-DAY Randal joins Dante behind the counter. After a beat- JAY Yo-youse guys wanna hear something fucked up about him and the Quick Stop guy? INT. Jay, Silent Bob, and the Teens watch him go. (walking away) And for the record, The Time sucked ass. RANDAL What'd I tell you two about dealing in front of the store? Drop the kid and peddle your wares someplace else, burn-boy. JAY Bitch, don't you NEVER say an unkind word about The Time! Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives after Morris Day and Jerome! I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy, and Tubby here's my black manservant! Just then, RANDAL exits the video store, locking the door behind him. Jay suddenly grabs the kid by the throat, throwing him against the wall.
TEEN 2 Man, that shit was so gay-fucking eighties style. TEEN 2 The guys in that Prince movie? TEEN 1 Purple Rain. Written by God Herself and handed down to the world's greatest band-the motherfucking Time. (changing up to Morris Day) My Jungle Love! Yes, Oh-we-oh-we-oh! I think I want to know ya', know ya'- TEEN 1 (digging in pockets) What the hell are you singing? JAY You don't know "Jungle Love"? That shit is the mad notes. If the money does not show, then you owe-me-owe-me- owe. JAY (as a chant) -fuck, fuck, fuck, mother-mother fuck, mother-mother fuck-fuck! Mother- fuck-, mother-fuck, mother-fuck, noinch, noinch, noinch, smoking weed, smoking weed, doing coke, drinking beers! Drinking beers, beers, beers, rolling fatties, smoking blunts! Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts! A pair of TEENS approach them. DISSOLVE TO: THE PRESENT JAY and SILENT BOB stand where the Babies sat. The smaller one says- BABY Fuck, fuck, fuck.
JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK HOW TO
MOTHER (to baby) D'jou hear the crazy fuck tellin' me how to fuckin' raise you? Motherfucker, man! Who's he fucking think he is? What's the worse fuckin' thing could happen to you sitting outside the fuckin' stores? Fuck! The door closes, and the Babies sit there quietly for a beat. MOTHER FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SQUARE! PASSERBY (waving her off) Ah, keep on truckin'. (walking away) Leave'em out here like that and see what happens.
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